I’m really sorry I have to be so negative again, but I don’t know what to do with myself. At school (or away from home) I’m too busy to have a huge appetite. Hunger passes because I simply don’t have the time to realize it. Lately, I’ve been at home, like a bum. I don’t have a job, I’m not taking summer classes anymore, and frankly, I don’t have friends who want to hang out with me. When I’m bored, I eat - and from the aggregate starvation of my last two months, I’ve been getting used to bingeing on huge amounts. My appetite is a crazy untamable beast, and even though I don’t eat junk food, or even slightly unhealthy food, the amount I eat is just sickening. I came home at a fairly acceptable weight of 105 (after starving for week - canvassing is hard work!) and now I’m at 110, a number that just will not budge. I’m so frustrated right now because the last few days I’ve been trying so hard to keep it under control. I’m sore from Insanity (hopefully at least some of the weight gain is new muscle), tired of running on the treadmill (45 minutes most days), and just sick of feeling hungry all the time even though I eat every 3 hours.
It’s so hard to look at my hipbones slowly disappearing. My thigh gap is pretty much nonexistent now, but I damn sure hope it’s due to all the plyo. Then, there’s my sister who eats whatever the hell she wants and calls me obsessed. Sorry, but you’d have a bit of a problem too if you were the chubby one and I were the one with the ideal fat distribution. Seriously, I have fucking AA boobs. All my fat goes to my stomach. WTH. Even when I was a chunky 127 pounds, my cup size was a small A at best. I’m so jealous of girls who have boobs. If I had decent B’s, with the same amount of fat on my body, then my stomach would probably be flat.
End rant. I’m so sick of looking at myself. I want to go on a fast to feel clean and new, but I can’t do it. I have projects to do and an interview tomorrow. Exercise and more restriction would probably burn more calories anyways.
On a positive note - having a slow metabolism SHOULD mean that I can get by with less food. I wish my appetite would realize that. Portion cutting continues.